So. 34 was supposed to be really good. Mid-30's, settled in life, feeling comfortable in my own skin and all of that. I took Harper to the pediatrician for her healthy visit early in the morning and thought of a million magical ways we could spend the rest of my day off together.
But then.
The annoying twitch in my left eye I had been ignoring for the past 24 hours decided to hi-jack my birthday.
A couple hours later and I'm sitting in the waiting room of my own primary physician's office trying to smile politely at other waiting individuals while discreetly shooting 'don't you dare' stares at my girls as they deviously assess the situation and start to understand they are free to bust out, because mama can't see! My eye kept swelling bigger and my vision got worse and they took advantage, enough said.
Conjunctivitis while caring for toddlers is merciless. I left my dignity back in that waiting room somewhere between my tug-of-war with Harper to put her abandoned rain boots back on and the one millionth time I threatened Maggie that she would go home to a closet emptied of princess dresses if she didn't stop tearing the contents of her backpack apart. I nearly lost my shit. I let self-pity and anger wash over me. And trust me friends, the next couple of days didn't look much better.
Because for the love of God.
How many visits to pediatricians and primary care doctors does a girl need to make before paying her first year of pre-school dues?? We've spent a lot of ordinary days in waiting rooms this year, hot and sweating, sick and tired. This one just happened to fall on my dreary, rainy birthday. Just like any other ordinary day of parenting.
But here's the thing. Some days are hard. But hard is a relative concept. Each one of us Mamas is facing a hard, hard, battle on any given day. Some battles are minor and some are unimaginable but regardless, we all fight with the same intensity because it is born out of love and gratitude for the little miracles gifted to us, however fleeting.
Love. And Gratitude.
Perhaps what I really needed to be gifted, with rain falling upon the faces of two beautiful, healthy babies on the day of my birth, was Gratitude.
Gratitude that the worst worry on my mind that day was a harmless eye infection. Gratitude that I have reliable, accessible healthcare and insurance that means such a minor inconvenience could be treated so immediately. Gratitude for the fact that my babies are safe, healthy and loved. Most importantly, loved, and by so many.
Perhaps sometimes we need to be made blind so that we can feel true love and gratitude again.
I was blind, and now I see.
